Written by Theresa LaRocque
I recently had a breakthrough around capacity in relation to expectations—specifically, my own expectations for the life I could have been living while I was stuck living a different one.
For a long time, the true me was hiding behind the mask of people-pleasing, making sure everyone else was okay before I ever looked in the mirror to check in with myself. I was longing for connection, desperate to be loved in the exact way I was trying to love everyone else. But I was expecting something from the world that I could never truly have, simply because I couldn’t give it to myself. I didn’t have the internal capacity to love me the way I wanted to be loved, so I looked externally. Why? Because I grew up believing my worth came from being useful to someone else, not from just being.
Then, life hit me with a sequence of unimaginable gravity and shook me to my core. In a devastating three-and-a-half-year span at the beginning of COVID, my brother committed suicide and I lost both of my parents.
The grief was a mountain, but the expectations I placed on myself remained unchanged. Keep performing, keep doing everything and being everything, keep holding it all together. I expected myself to carry the weight of life as if my entire world hadn’t just been ripped apart. This massive disconnect between my shattered internal capacity and the heavy expectations I felt from the world led me into a severe and paralyzing bout of burnout. I had absolutely nothing left to give, yet I had to, life doesn’t stop when things get hard. I am a mom of 2, a wife, and at that point in time held a Director position at a private golf club. Demands on an empty tank.
This agonizing experience completely changed how I look at performance, behavior, and human limits. It made me look closely at the concept of coaching and leadership.
When I first started coaching after finishing up my division one college basketball career, my favorite part was the light bulb moments. There was nothing better than seeing kids light up and connect with the feeling of, “I did it!” I think that is initially why every coach gets into the game: the pure love of teaching. We love it so much we want to share that joy with others. But over time, the heavy expectations of winning and contracts get in the way of everything. Coaches get stressed about results and players lose their love of the game and their buy-in. What once brought positive feelings, now brings negative ones.
When we start placing expectations on people that are completely outside of their current capacity, we are simply building a crumbling infrastructure. When demands increase, becoming stronger and more pointed, individuals will desperately want to live up to them—until they realize they are fighting a losing battle. That is when things start to falter.
The once-rockstar teammate or the “never need to worry about that one” player will start to wither under the weight of heavy expectations and the constant fear of falling short. This happens through no fault of their own. Having lived this exact predicament on a deeply personal level, I know how it tears you up inside.
The truth is, people don’t lack talent or heart; sometimes, they just lack the capacity due to the hidden weights they are carrying.
But capacity isn’t a permanent flaw, it is just another “problem”. Notice the word problem is there in quotations. That is because there are two ways to look at problems. Sure, they can be problems, OR, they can turn into opportunities for growth and development. When you intentionally help people grow their capacity rather than just demanding more results, that is where culture turns to gold. With increased, nurtured capacity, individuals can naturally rise to meet expectations because they feel deeply supported. They learn to trust you to foster their personal growth and ambitions.
Once you become a unified group that truly trusts one another, your expectations can grow together. That is the moment you can finally shoot for the moon.
Theresa LaRocque is a former Division I college basketball athlete, a mom of two, and the founder of TLC Adventure Co. After starting her career in HOA administration, she spent 15 years at Desert Mountain Club serving across accounting, contract administration, and as the Director of Outdoor Adventure. Following profound personal loss and navigating severe burnout, she broke free from the corporate world to align her life with her true capacity. Today, her mission at TLC Adventure Co is to create spaces for intentional connection and build ecosystems of healing through nature and slowing down. Connect with her at tlcadventureco.com or tlcadventureco@gmail.com.